Many people say that her life is very plain and there seems to be nothing worth talking about. Even when walking on the street, there is a kind of indifferent temperament, as if she keeps a certain unspoken distance from the world. However, it is in this ordinariness that countless silent emotions are hidden, deeply buried in her eyes that are always thoughtful.
Feng Jin is a person who is not easy to attract attention. She always walks with her head down and her steps are slow, as if she is afraid of any unnecessary contact with people. She will not make loud noises in the crowd, nor will she make friends casually. Her world is quiet, even a little lonely. She does not live like a woman, but more like a cat, alone, happy, immersed in her own little world.
But it is this calmness that makes her seem particularly alienated and cold at times. She does not like socializing, nor is she good at establishing close relationships with others. Whenever a friend asked her out, she always agreed expressionlessly. Even when the agreed time came, she still put on makeup and dressed slowly, as if nothing could really make her anxious.
But in the eyes of others, Feng Jin was never lonely. She could always laugh calmly and indifferently in the laughter of people around her. Her life always gave people the impression of tranquility and elegance. She did not fight or compete, but lived like a blooming orchid, quietly guarding her own piece of sky. However, only she knew what kind of emotional emptiness and spiritual desolation were hidden behind that appearance of being indifferent to the world.
Sometimes, Feng Jin would sit quietly in front of the window in the afternoon sun, watching the pedestrians outside passing by in a hurry. Her eyes were unfocused, as if she had seen through all the glitz in the world. She used to have some dreams, but under the ruthless crushing of reality, those dreams had long become blurred. She once longed for some beautiful life, and fantasized that a handsome man would come as promised and rescue her from the monotonous life. But these thoughts were nothing but unreal illusions in her heart. Her life had always been a journey that she had walked alone, and even if she walked slowly and tiredly sometimes, she had no reason to stop.
She remembered those silly thoughts when she was young. She fantasized that one day she would have a vigorous love, and that man would take her to every corner of the world, give her warmth and protection. But in the process of growing up, she gradually discovered that this kind of love was like a bubble, and it was always just a mirage. Most men would not appear as they expected and bring her that kind of dependence and warmth. She had long understood that true love was not to provide her with a shelter, but to let her learn how to live alone and how to find herself in loneliness.
Feng Jin had been lost, and had quietly wiped away tears in the silent night. She had tried to save the time she had missed, and tried to change those unsatisfactory choices, but she was ultimately unable to realize her ideal. Her heart had always been like a stone sinking in the deep sea, silent, painful, and unable to return to the shore.
“I really want to tell you that my heart is actually very tired.” Feng Jin once said this to someone. At that time, she seemed to have finally found someone to talk to. However, the look in that person’s eyes made her understand that this sentence was just her own wishful thinking. After listening to it, the person was silent for a while, thoughtfully, and then hurried away, never looking back. Feng Jin stood there, watching the person gradually disappear in the crowd, and suddenly felt a deep loneliness.
For Feng Jin, life is like a blank piece of paper that cannot be filled. Whenever she tried to write something on it, it ended up being a powerless smear and wipe. She smeared her dreams, her expectations, and everything about her on the paper. However, in the end, everything was blurred, nothing was left, and even the paper began to fade and gradually disappeared.
She is not a pessimist in the true sense, she just sometimes feels an indescribable helplessness. She knows that there is something missing in her life, but she doesn’t know how to fill that gap. So she continues to live quietly and continues to live her life step by step every day. She goes to work, to the supermarket, to meet friends, and does all the ordinary things, but she knows that these are just formalities, and the real content is still out of reach.
Feng Jin knows that she will not have a gorgeous love in her life, nor does she expect any sudden turn. She will not fight against fate, she would rather follow the flow and go on quietly. She knows that her relationship with the world has been finalized, whether it is joy or sadness, it is a shallow river flowing from the bottom of her heart. The only thing she can do is to stand on the shore and watch it pass in the torrent of time without deliberately interfering.
However, it is precisely this kind of compliance with fate that makes her life exude an elegant calmness. She is no longer angry, nor does she expect. She knows that no matter how she struggles or escapes, she can’t really change anything. Those unchangeable facts, those pasts that can’t be turned back, are destined to become a part of her life and can no longer be erased. She just accepts it, accepts it silently.
“It doesn’t matter.” Feng Jin said to herself one morning. This is the only comfort she can find in reality. No matter how life changes, in the end, the only one who can accompany her is herself.
She no longer pursues those things that cannot be obtained, because she understands that the true meaning of life is not to have, but to know how to let go. In those silent lights and shadows, Feng Jin still walks quietly, with a feeling of wanting to speak but not being able to, towards her own tomorrow.